Eugenia with Emry, November 2010
Next weekend we are heading to Point Reyes for a memorial for Mikhail's grandma Eugenia. Known as Granny or Great-Granny, depending on who you ask.
When I think of Eugenia, I think first of her incredible green-blue eyes. Not only remarkably bright, but so open to the world, so interested and engaged.
Eugenia with Elan, February 2007
She had the power of listening and a curiosity about the world that I find inspiring.
She was a welcoming matriarch to those of us who married in. I always felt brought into the fold of family being around Eugenia.
Eugenia and me, November 2008
When my sister organized a project of bunting flags with messages on them for Emry's birth, Eugenia wrote: We always will help you. Granny
I've looked at her message so many times over the years, in the good and bad moments of parenting. I can see it hanging there now in the hallway just outside my bedroom door.
I've said this before, but I still find it remarkable. When Emry was born, my children had five living great-grandparents. Now they have two. There has been a lot of loss over these almost-four years. ... more
My grandpa, Matty Brams, would have been 94 today.We miss you and love you, Grandpa.Grandpa Matty with Emry, May 2011
Grandpa taught me that it’s important to keep moving. When I close my eyes, I can see him walking down the beach. His wide stance, his loose gait, slightly bowlegged. He would show us the prints his flat feet made in the sand.
I remember him stopping, leaning down to pick up a rock, probably another for his collection to line the bottom of the fence. He was so purposeful. But ... more
We are waiting for some big job news. Some big, long-awaited job news. My hubby has been semi-employed for 15+ months, and we're hoping that will change. Soon. But for now, we're in waiting land, limbo land, promising-and-hopeful-but-nothing's-certain land.It's hard to wait.I wish I were more patient. It appears that is a theme for me lately.The distracted feel of the past few days reminds me of how I so often felt early in my pregnancy with Emry: promising and hopeful, but nothing certain. I couldn't be blissfully trusting after ... more
This past week has marked the one-year anniversary of my miscarriage. The anniversary is split between two dates: June 11, when we found out via ultrasound that the pregnancy hadn't progressed, and June 17, when I had the D&C, a surgical procedure that officially ended the pregnancy. In between, I was caught in a never-never land of pregnant/not-pregnant.I think about myself one year ago, June 17, 2009. I remember how Mikhail and I employed a loopy kind of black humor in the waiting room of the UCSF surgical center ... more
I notice my writing on this blog is getting less creative (notice the title of this post). I blame it all on the tiny creature sucking all the energy out of me. But the good news is that we had an ultrasound this week, and the tiny creature is doing great! He's actually a lot cuter now than he was four and a half weeks ago too. (No, we don't know the sex, I'm just picking a pronoun here.) I was extremely anxious leading up to this ultrasound. This was ... more
So, here we are. 2010. WHEW.I haven't known where to start. Maybe I should just do a list of what happened in December, so that you can more fully appreciate why I am SO relieved that year is over. Behind us. Done with.In December of last year, THE YEAR THAT IS NO LONGER:- Our stroller was stolen from our carport, which is not visible from the street, in the middle of the day, while I was home, full of shoes and clothes and bathing suits and blankets and water bottles, ... more
An excerpt from a San Francisco Chronicle article pretty much sums it up for us over here. The article is headlined A look back at one of the worst years ever and starts like this:"If there is good news for East Bay residents in 2009, it's that the year is almost over. And if you are one of those poor souls who lost a home, a job - or both and then some - take comfort, friend, for you are a survivor of one of the worst years on record."Full ... more
I swear that this blog is not becoming all-miscarriage-all-the-time. That would be way too depressing for me and for you. But I really wanted to share a post I found on one of the blogs I read regularly. She has an essay out in The Sun about her experience. I've only read the teaser they give you on The Sun's website, but I will be buying the magazine to read the rest.And no, referencing this blog post doesn't mean that Mikhail and I are deciding that Elan is our one ... more
It is December now, and I notice that for the past several months I have maintained silence here on my blog about how I have continued to deal with the miscarriage that rocked my world this year. Why is that? Shortly after the miscarriage, I wrote a series of emotionally raw and revealing posts. I did that consciously, because for me, writing is a form of therapy. Writing helps me to process my emotions, to understand my reactions, and to move through difficult or stuck places. I could have written ... more
Since my miscarriage, a negative HCG level (signified by a big fat ZERO result from my blood test) is the best news I could hope for. And yesterday I got it.000000000000000000!Yeah!Aren't I articulate?Now I wait a month between blood tests, which are to make sure the level stays at zero. There's a lot of different information out there about how long you should wait before trying to conceive again after a partial molar pregnancy. So much different research and so many different conclusions being drawn by different people. My doctor ... more